This is a true story (names have been changed for pure comedy value).

 In a quiet town on the outskirts of London, just near a 12 hole golf course and some lovely playing fields, lived a dashing chap, (tall, slim and strong) with two dark dogs, Nelson and Boots and 4 other beautiful spoonheads who don’t feature in this tale.

Every morning, just before the sun rose, the man would tickle his dogs from their slumber and off they’d skip to the park. Nelson and Boots were generally good dogs but had 1 BIG WEAKNESS —— RUBBISH !!! ESPECIALLY NELSON !

On this particular day the walk had been nothing unusual and they reached the park, a stone’s throw from the house (if you carried a medium sized catapult –it was ¼ of a mile away) having shared nicely 6 biscuits each – none for the dashing fellow as he was watching his sliminity – when from the left nestling beneath a local hedge shone an angrily orange discarded Sainsbury’s bag full of various bits of decaying fodder!!

Nelson sprang and pounced on his prey with no remorse. Boots, pretty but thick, followed eventually and the air was filled with disgusting sounds of two Labradors chomping manky rubbish – until our hero waded in to rescue the bag. With foresight and cunning, he manfully distracted the beasts with biscuits numbers 7 and 8 and, whilst they looked the other way, and in the absence of a waste bin, tossed the bag over a fence deep into a nettle patch to his right.  Pleased, at having successfully out-smarted his hounds, he moved on smugly to complete the walk which continued uneventfully, and indeed the episode was forgotten until the very next day…

The following morn, just to mix it up, the chap walked the park in reverse and so it was towards the end of the stroll when they reached the spot of yesterdays embarrassment.  Since it was nearing the end, he was in the process of gathering the dogs ready for lead time and perhaps, enjoying the lime light offered by talk of biscuits 9 and 10, had dragged the process out a little too long!! Nelson’s glance caught the bush that had housed the orange bag of delights, he looked up at our hero and our hero laughed.  “You’ve no chance” he smugly informed the dogs. “I’m onto to you – I tossed that bag over the fence into the nettles on the right”.

As he heard the last directional clue to the treasure Nelson looked up, twinkled his eyes, turned on his heels and sped to re-find the lost treasure, with Boots in hot pursuit…  Our gallant hero tried to walk on, upselling his haul of biscuits as the finest in the land in order to regain control of his pack. However, all endeavours failed and, fuming, he had to  simply had to watch from a corner of the park until man’s alleged best friends returned to him, having devoured their disgusting feast, still hopeful of the reward of biscuits 9 and 10.

It was at that moment that our hero realised that through the 7.5 years of their acquaintance Nelson had understood every blooming word !!!!

 PUT ME IN! I say for any holiday that provides so many opportunities for a little black woofer to indulge her love of all things munchable in life.

Now, lets get one thing clear I’m not Welly, and although, when times are hard, of course I will happily get involved with a spot of bin bag rifling (what self-respecting Labrador wouldn’t?) I would far rather sample the finer things in life. But who knew, that all this time, there were tasty morsels waiting to be woofed up everywhere?

Of course I knew about the minty sticks often left for my delectation on the coffee table in the lounge (how thoughtful!). But why oh why hadn’t anybody given me the heads up that a woofer could silence the call of her stomach at anytime she pleases? All the eating opportunities missed, the sheer desolate wasteland of lost chomping chances could make a little woofer most distressed if one was to dwell on it to long. Hang on! Do I smell cheese? Yes, definitely cheese. Cheddar I think and maybe Camembert? Excuse me for a moment….  That’s better – a dog can’t blog on an empty stomach. Now where were we? Oh, yes missed opportunities. Well fear not good canine chums, I made up for those missed munchies over the last couple of weeks!

First spot:

• Half a loaf of bread and a tub of Anchor Spreadable on the kitchen worktop. Secured, woofed in the garden. Happy days.

Second spot:

• New tub of Anchor Spreadable left on kitchen table whilst Nana delivering cup of tea in bed to Grandpa. Mine all mine. I was now really getting into the swing of things!

(May I mention at this point that, following the fest of saturated fats, I was a) not sick (the marvels of a Labradors constitution!) and b) had a coat as glossy as a particularly glossy thing on a good glossy day).

Third spot:

• Homemade quiche brought round by Heather’s friend, Sarah and laid out on kitchen table as part of a party buffet. Head sideways on table and boom! Two slices snaffled whilst party in full flow.

 Now, admittedly, I was told off fairly thoroughly after this incident and things tightened up on the availability front… until the lovely Triona and her open larder took Welly and I in over New Year which led to:

•  Half a box a cheese crackers
• An apple turnover
• Half a bowl of pasta
• Candy cane (wrapper and all)
• Box of cereal

Only slight downside was that I got my head stuck in the cereal box whilst tidying up the last few pieces. Styled it out with confidence though and don’t think Triona suspected I had been up to anything other than a polite investigation into the preferred cereal brands of their household.

What a fabulous time of year! More parties, with more food and a few more martinis for the furless ones, leading to a little less observance of what a peckish little lab is up to…

11 months to go and counting!

INTERVIWER: So Wellington and Slippers, this is pretty exciting stuff – being given your own blog, the chance to finally to give a voice to Labradors in the UK and really get information about the canine condition in modern day society out there… what are you guys most excited about?

SLIPPERS: Well to be honest, all of it. All of the free stuff. I’m thinking dog chews, I’m thinking dog biscuits, I’m thinking bulls’ ears, turkey throats, chickens’ feet and pigs’ twizzlers. That’s why people do these blogs isn’t it? You woof about how much you like say, the extensive range of dog snacks available at Pets At Home and they send you a ton of free goodies?

WELLINGTON: Or perhaps a bin bag, full of dirty nappies but with a tasty morsel of cheese at the bottom of the sack. Mmmm, cheese.

SLIPPERS: I think we, as labs, need humans to fully understand the curse of existence as a Labrador. Our constant hunger is a cross we have to bear and it’s a damn big cross. It’s not our fault we can’t control ourselves if say, you accidently leave the garage door ajar and I happen to get in and eat 4 kilos of dog biscuits so that I look like I’ve swallowed an anvil. Or if perhaps, you have left a box of Mint Matchmakers out of reach on a shelf, but I realize, if I stand on the sofa, I can get those delicious minty sticks in a jiffy. That’s just my genetic programming at work. Likewise, if Welly spots a manky piece of half eaten kebab in the park and refuses to come back until he has scoffed the lot, that’s genetics.

WELLINGTON: Did someone mention cheese?

INTERVIEWER: So you are saying, as Labradors, you have completely no self restraint at all, are consumed by constant greed, which leads you to disobedience and criminal acts and that we should all feel sorry for you?

WELLINGTON: All I’m saying is that if a dog is partial to a little Manchego with quince jelly, well why should he be denied? Cheddar, a crumbly mature red Leicester, the crust of a going-green stilton…. Now that I come to think of it, I don’t suppose you have got any snacks in those pockets of yours? Come on, come on, sharing is caring, a little something for a starving woofer??? Please sir, I haven’t eaten in at least an hour…