Chilli Con Jamie, courtesy of Jamie’s America. (Ours jolly tasty not so glamorously presented).

One sparkling step-teen.

Now, I cannot lie, I have visions of myself as some form of domestic goddess, casually assembling a dinner party for 20, whilst gaily baking scones with the kids and all the time looking super sexy in a sultry, smiley Nigella Lawson kind of way. Unfortunately, as in most things in life, the reality falls a little short of the dream. Firstly, I pretty much hate cooking with the kids. Now don’t get me wrong, I love cooking and I adore my girls. But like fish fingers and custard, I don’t love the two at the same time. If, I have nothing else on my agenda for the entire week than baking some cupcakes with the small folk is fine. But, when I am trying to get something done to a timeline, the plaintive cry of “Can I help mummy?” can bring me out in hives.

Secondly, I don’t know anyone who can put a party for 8 adults and 8 kids together without looking somewhat flustered by the end and their kitchen as if a bomb has gone off. Actually, the first part of that is a lie, as both my mum and brother can cook a dinner for 25 and still be smiling. I always start smiling. I finish in a sweaty panic.

I therefore have a couple of rules when it comes to entertaining.

1. Never cook anything that involves tense timings right at the end – you can guarantee your mayonnaise will curdle or your scallops end up with the texture of boots. Which leads me to point 2…
2. Always cook things that survive an extra 30 minutes/ hour/2 hours in the oven
3. Always cook things you have cooked before (or only foray in the unknown if there is no possibility you can bugger it up – see point 2)
4. Be generous with your quantities (no one wants to appear mean / leave a dinner party hungry)
5. Always have oodles of alcoholic beverages (as per point 4 but supplement the word thirsty where appropriate)

The point to these ramblings is that we just had a cheeky little Firework’s Party with our NDN’s (Next Door Neighbours), the parental units and my brother and his family, and I thought I would share my tips (not tits!).

1. FOOD

Kids (no we didn’t eat them!)

• Sausages, in rolls, with ketchup. That’s it. It is a formula which has worked for countless years and only a mad man would mess with it.  Keys points for success are:
  • Buy cheap sausages. Kids like cheap sausages and most don’t like ones with high meat content (= chewy) / added herbs (=new/spicy).
  • Cook lots – they are cheap (see above) and you can guarantee the adults will get involved too.

Adult Food

• A bucket load of crisps and nuts
• Cooked meats arranged artisitically on a platter.
• Chilli con Jamie
  • super delicious, super easy and ticks all of my points for dinner party success.
• Jacket Potatoes
• Soured cream / chopped coriander to decorate (frillies).

 2. FIREWORKS

I have to admit that it has taken us a couple of attempts to perfect the art of successfully selecting fireworks. However, following several less than satisfactory forays into the world of legalized explosives, we now have a winning formula:

• Find a specialized firework shop – a pop up one which looks like a cover for illegal arms dealing will work perfectly. Acquiring explosives from a supermarket where you buy your potatoes will not. When you think about it is makes perfect sense…
• Buy big multi-shot fireworks. Go for ones which have the highest cost per shot. These tend to be more impressive firework displays.
• Buy as many as you can afford.
• Get everyone else to bring one too – or contribute to the kitty
• Ensure everyone knows NOT to bring a little piddly selection box of individual fireworks. Other wise your leading man will be stuck in the garden, in the rain, for hours on end, letting off fireworks which no one gives a monkey’s bum about.
• You can never have to many sparklers – period.

 3. ALCOHOL

Now to be honest us, and most of our friends, are like the Tigers Who Came To Tea. So in all alcoholic areas we think big. Lots of wine, lots of beer , lots of vodka and diet coke for the leading man. Cater to all known needs and then some. With wine, I find it is best to start expensive (we like to dance in the Waitrose wooden section for special occasions) and then cheaper for when everyone is hammered (Lidl). Once anyone is past a bottle and a half of wine they could drink Blue Nun and think it delish.

Pour all the above together, light the blue touch paper and voila – a party that will go off with a bang.

Adious.